"Saturday is my mother's birthday, and I am dreading it.  I am stuck in a limbo, not sure of what to do for her birthday.  It should be as simple as getting her a birthday card or a random gift, but instead it is another situation where I must choose between standing my ground or not hurting her.  If I do not contact her on her birthday, it will be further "proof" that I am an insensitive and selfish child.  If I buy her something, it will be seen as a sign that I am weaker than her or that I am extending an olive branch over our most recent fallout.  It's one of those situations where I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

It didn't have to be this way, but it is now and there is no need to cry over it.  You see, my mother is a controlling mother, and sometimes it feels like she hates me.  No, I'm not a teenager accusing my mother of hating me because she didn't buy me the latest pair of hundred dollar sneakers.  I'm not a disgruntled young adult, upset because my mommy won't pay my cell phone bill.  I'm just a regular daughter who has to deal with a mother who appears to me emotionally unstable, and incapable of ever loving me the right way."

The above two paragraphs were originally written in 2011 and saved as a draft on my computer.  Fast forward to 2024 and I still feel the same exact way I did thirteen years ago.  When I wrote those words thirteen years ago my mother and I were not officially estranged.  We have now been estranged for nine years.  Our relationship was always rocky, a constant roller coaster of unstable truces where we attempted to get along, and extended periods of silent treatments.

False starts urged on by half hearted apologies on her part would always lull me into believing that this time around we would be able to coexist and maybe even have a meaningful mother daughter relationship.  We would have a few weeks or months of guarded normalcy followed by yet another violation of my trust.  That would be followed by weeks of ignoring each other until one of us would extend the olive branch and then the cycle would continue once again.  That cycle came to an end in two thousand fourteen after a nasty family incident and we have never recovered from that.

Last year was her sixtieth birthday.  I was invited to her party at the last minute by a family  member.  I chose not to go for several reasons and later found out that none of her children were in attendance. I can only speculate that she has also fallen out with them since I am also estranged from my siblings.  I was really sad when I found out she spent that day without her children.

Shortly after that I saw her in a public place, swallowed my pride and wished her a happy birthday.  That day we talked for a while and I suggested that maybe we try to slowly mend the relationship.  She seemed happy about that and I followed up a few days later with a text that was ignored.  It wasn't a huge deal and I thought I would try again in a few days or weeks, however she beat me to the punch.  Shortly thereafter she messaged me a text that was completely insensitive and ill-timed.  

That was almost a year ago and today is her birthday.  Once again I was met with the same thoughts about what the "right" thing to do was.  Should I reach out again and say happy birthday or continue to ignore it the way I have for the last nine years?  I am keenly aware that my  mother is getting older.  I am also convinced that she has some mental health issues that may cause her to act the way she does.  I want to be the bigger person but I also want her to suffer the way she has made me suffer. Nothing feels like the right thing to do.

The day is coming to a close. I still have time to send that text message. Although I have mostly come to terms with the fact that we will never have a close relationship and I have made peace with my decision to cut her off, I can't help but to wonder if I will regret not sending the message when she is gone.  As I pick up the phone to text her I can't help but to read the last unsettling text she sent, after which I immediately blocked her again.

These are the decisions we as hated children have to contemplate on a regular basis.  We are constantly stuck between a rock and a hard place, a strange world that has no rules.  In the past I have had the luxury of time but through the years it has become more real that I will not always have this time.  I suppose sometimes it's not about being right but about doing what your spirit feels is right at that time.  I think I am going to send the text.

Conflicted

You love her but you do not like her.  You want her out of your life but you miss her.  You want to really give her a piece of your mind but you have to respect her.  You want to get over it and move on but you feel obligated to stick around and try to make it work.  Back and forth, back and forth.

A glimmer of hope that she is finally changing swiftly crushed by another snide remark or misunderstanding.  A few weeks of peace erupts in a new battle over something trivial.  An apology followed not too long after by the same old destructive behavior.  Conflicted.

For some of us, it's cut and dry, black and white, but for more of us it isn't quite that simple.  In between the love of a mother and the hate of what the relationship has become are many varying shades of gray.  Some of us have only just begun to realize that our relationships with our mothers are not normal, and some of us have come to realize that "not normal" is really a nice way of saying "Dysfunctional".  Some of us have even come to the unsavory conclusion that our mothers hate us.  Some of us are still at a point where we are trying to salvage a relationship or we have resigned ourselves to accept the relationship as it is.  Yet even for those of us who have chosen to walk away and close that door, the truth remains that most of us are still conflicted.

The blog posts have mostly faded as the emotions attached to my mother have.  In the beginning I was tormented and pained by everything that happened, and now after such a long journey I am mostly at peace.  I am afraid that as time goes by I will forget the many ways she hurt me, but I suppose that is bound to happen as I purposely try to forget the pain.  In retrospect I wish I had written a book when the pain was still fresh and every evil deed was burned into my memory.

In other posts I have mentioned that for my own sanity I decided to cut all ties with my mother.  This is a choice I made that I have not regretted at all.  I have found that most daughters are extremely hesitant to do this.  While I understand the reasoning I have to say that I am a proponent of cutting ties with anything and and everything that no longer serves you or brings you peace.

In the many responses and comments I have received I notice that many of you daughters do not have a choice.  Because of financial reasons or because you are still a minor you are still living with your hateful mothers.  This makes me sad but I do hope that once you are able to that you run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.  For me this meant cutting all communication event though she does not live far from me, but for you this might mean cutting communication down as much as you can possibly tolerate.  This might mean giving her a call once a week or visiting her once a year. 

When you choose to love yourself first you will feel conflicted but I promise you that feeling conflicted is better that what you are feeling now.  I have decided for my own sanity that I would rather be outright hated than kind of, sort of loved.  I am happy to say that I no longer feel conflicted about my decision or relationship with my mother.  Occasionally I am sad, but I am not conflicted.  I hope for your own sake that you make choices that benefit your well being.  I am sending you all love and positive vibes.

REJECTION

Something strange happened in the month of  December.  It had to do with being rejected.  Here is the story:

I had a coworker who was my superior.  We were very close for a long time and had developed a friendship.  She was a motherly figure to me and to others at the job.  During the summer I felt she was starting to act strange toward me. Our conversations whittled down to her barely saying hi to me. 

I found myself, as I often do when I am having relationship issues, trying to understand what went wrong.  I searched my memory to figure out what I had done to offend her or turn her off. I wondered if maybe I had said something that might have upset her.  I spent countless hours trying to come up with a reasonable explanation as to why she would start treating me differently.  I also did what I have a habit of doing when confronted with the poor behavior of others:  I made excuses for her.

Try as I might I simply could not pinpoint when the change occurred or what may have prompted it.  I am not a confrontational person which I'm sure has everything to do with being raised by a mother like mine so having a simple conversation with her was not going to happen. I began to feel tension between us and although coworkers assured me I was just "overreacting" (and yes I do that often) I was positive this was more than just my imagination.

Eventually the tension, real or imagined, became too much.  I am a highly emotional person and feeling betrayed by her made me uncomfortable at work whenever she was around.  For that reason and other reasons totally unrelated to her I began to look for, and got a new job.  It was a difficult decision but after eight years on the job I felt it best to move forward.

Before leaving I decided I had to confront the elephant in the room.  It is harder for me to wonder about something than it is to know the truth, no matter how hurtful it is.  Upon giving my two week notice I blurted out, "I don't think you like me anymore".  She seemed surprised and asked why I felt that way to which I replied, "You never talk to me anymore."  And because I am an emotional crybaby I then began to get teary eyed at which point she assured me she DID like me, that I was still a part of the "team", and I would certainly be invited to the Christmas party.

Let's fast forward now.

I'll spare you all the drama and he-said, she said that transpired during the later half of November as my former job and coworkers were planning the Christmas party.  I'll spare you the details on how I wondered and spent a crap load of emotional energy wondering if I would be invited by "her".  I won't relay the conversations I had with a close coworker who still worked at the job about how my name had not been mentioned at all when the Christmas party conversations came up.  As much as I'm sure you would get enjoyment from those things, let's move on.  It gets better.

As the Christmas party came closer it became clear that I was not invited by her.  I am as much prideful as I am non confrontational so one thing I refused to do was ask (beg) to be invited.  I decided that if she did not invite me I would not go even though other coworkers asked me to come.  It was her event.  She was the boss.  She was my friend.  It was up to her to invite me.  The week leading up to the party was one I look back upon with sadness.  I wanted so bad to be wanted.  I wanted so bad for her to love me again.  I wanted so bad to not be rejected. 

I was really surprised by my emotional response to feeling rejected by someone I highly esteemed.  I thought I had put all that dysfunctional mom baggage behind me.  I'm strong, independent, confident and I love myself.  It had not crossed my mind in years that I needed to feel loved by other people.  It's amazing what lies in our sub conscious minds.  I was surprised to realize that perhaps I had not dealt with all my mom issues.

I'm not sure if it's because I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive person) that rejection feels so gut wrenchingly awful or if it's because of being rejected by my mother but what I felt in December is something I had not felt in a long time and not a feeling I care to repeat.  Everyone who knew what was going on, including my husband felt I was overreacting and I probably was, but overreacting is one of the by-products of being rejected by your first love-your mother.  Healthy people with healthy bonding habits and relationships may have felt slighted by being left out but they wouldn't have dwelled on it the way I did.  They wouldn't have been irritable, furious, and utterly miserable about it.  They would have "gotten over it", but I could not.

It brought back so many nasty feelings, ones I thought were way in my past.  It hurt like hell to be rejected and whether it was done purposely or I was merely forgotten, it was depressing to feel that people who loved me just a few weeks earlier had simply moved on and had not questioned my absence at the office party.  Even talking about it now, a few weeks later brings tears to my eyes.  It still hurts.

I have many of the characteristics of an adult child of an alcoholic.  There are some memories of my mother being drunk but most of my childhood is a blur and since I cannot remember her being an alcoholic I hesitate to put that label upon her, though I will gladly call her a nut job without hesitation.  Since I cannot definitively call her an alcoholic it's hard for me to identify where these symptoms of being an adult child of an alcoholic come from.  One of those symptoms is the need for constant affirmation and approval.  I'm disappointed with myself that I still crave approval.

Another rejection, one I should be very familiar with by now also happened in the month of December.  It happened on Christmas to be exact.  I'm sure some of you who have cut ties with mother and/or family members understands how lonely it can be on the holidays.  Holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving and Mother's Day can be especially emotional.  Even though I am glad to have separated from my mother's dysfunctional behaviors I would be lying if I said I didn't miss her occasionally.  Christmas is one of those times that can be sad for me.

Well, she dropped off some presents for my kids.  As stealthily as Santa himself and as has been done in the past she dropped them off at the front doorstep with no knock or ringing of the doorbell.  I just happened to see the presents when I went to the door for something.   Now in the past and as recently as last year seeing those presents on the doorstep triggered a negative reaction in me.  It made me ANGRY.  Not angry that she was buying my children something just angry at her and the situation.  This year it didn't bother me so much however, she did include a Christmas card addressed to both of my children.  The omission of my name on the card was not done by mistake.  It was her way of once again letting it be known that she does not like me, that I am not included and that she has disowned me.  It hurt a little.

Rejection.  I have issues with it.  I'm sure you do too.  Hopefully you are working with someone to resolve those issues because as I have seen just when you think you are past it, those issues come back with a vengeance.  I'm not sure that any of us can ever really get over having a mother who hates us, a mother who has done her best to make our lives miserable, a mother who has behaved like anything but a mother but we can certainly grow and lead happy and mostly healthy lives without her.  Without her.  Think about that.  Can you be happy with her?  Would you be happy without her?  Only you can answer that question.

Hey, thanks for reading my blog, fellow hated children.  Be sure to join my facebook page here:
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THE BLAME GAME

One sign that you are dealing with a narcissistic personality is that person will never take responsibility for their actions.  They will always make up an excuse as to why they did what they did and usually they will try to find another person to blame.  They might use phrases such as, "If you hadn't gone to the party I wouldn't have had to be online talking to my ex."  In their minds there is always some other person at work trying to destroy them or cause problems though they never realize that they are the problem.

My mother moved a few months ago.  Previously we had been living within a few blocks of each other.  Her move was to be mysterious and secretive.  She did not want anyone to know where she lived, especially me.  

When she found out someone had disclosed her location she was furious.  See, despite the fact that she had successfully turned my siblings against me and her actions had motivated them to slash the tires on my car and put sugar in my tank in her mind I was a threat and problem she had to run away from.  This is a prime example of a person not being able to see the reality of a situation.

Long before she moved she displayed this sort of finger pointing concerning my son.  She consistently undermined my authority as his parent by questioning the rules I made and giving him things I would say he could not have.  If she saw him doing something wrong she would let him get away with it and if I punished him I was made to look like the bad guy.  This of course left my son feeling very confused.

When my son began to act up I was blamed for his behavior because I was not a good mother and a bad influence.  Eventually he went to live with her.  Under her care and authority he continued to get in trouble.  Instead of accepting that her unwillingness to discipline him might be contributing to the problem she instead blamed me.  This time it was my fault because I didn't spend enough time with him.

What she failed to see is that both my presence in his life or so-called absence could not have both been contributing to his bad behavior.  Either I was a bad influence or I wasn't.  If his living with me was the problem than presumably the behavior would have changed for the better once he was no longer living with me.  Instead it got worse under her care.  Instead of accepting that truth she had to find a way around it and began to complain that I wasn't spending enough time with him and that is what was causing the behavior,

As you can see, mother's like this are very confusing.  As a child you only know that your mother is right.  That is what we are taught.  It is hard to grasp that mother is not always right and sometimes she is just downright wrong.  The constant shifting of blame will cause you to second guess your every decision.  The blame game wreaks havoc on your self esteem.  

To be free from her psychological clutches you must learn to separate her truth from yours.  Her truth is often distorted by jealousy and the need to avoid responsibility.  You must stop second guessing yourself and stop questioning if you are wrong.  You are not to blame for the things your mother does.  You cannot force her to do anything.  The choices she makes and the resulting consequences are hers alone.  It is not your job to cover for her, make excuses for her behavior or minimalise what she does and it is certainly not your responsibility to accept blame for the state of the relationship.

If you enjoyed this blog come on down and join the facebook page Hated Child.  There you can enjoy more discussion.

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Let's talk about some tactics manipulative mother's use against their children.  If you are a hated daughter than you have probably been on the receiving end of tactics designed to throw you off balance and wreak havoc in your life.  For most of us the emotional abuse began at a young age.  In my case, the dysfunction showed it's face when I became a teenager.  Regardless of when it began the root cause is the same, a mother who is not content with her own life and harbors some sort of jealousy and/or animosity toward her daughter.

One common theme I see among this group of hated daughters is a mother who tries, and often succeeds at turning other people against the hated child.  Mothers will turn other siblings, other family members and even their daughters own children against their mother.  When the feeling of hating their own daughter's is no longer enough to give them a warm, fuzzy feeling inside they have to "round up the troops" to create a bigger force against the daughter.  They often achieve this by starting rumors, making false accusations, or telling half truths all in an effort to make the daughter look evil or at least worthy of the poor treatment.

Playing the victim goes hand in hand with turning others against the hated child.  The mother does not take responsibility for her actions or part in the discord.  She blames her daughter for all the problems.  The sole responsibility for any problems in the relationship will lie squarely on the daughter's  shoulders even when the mother is blatantly wrong!  The mother, driven by her narcissistic personality, often does not see anything wrong with her actions and truly believes the daughter is wrong.

The silent treatment is a powerful tool and using it often puts the daughter at great unease.  Dysfunctional mothers have difficulty communicating and prefer to use passive aggressive means of getting their way.  Weak at her core, and highly insecure, the mother resorts to childish methods of sulking, silence, and sometimes tears to keep the daughter off balance and wondering what will happen next.  The term, "walking on eggshells" is often used when describing romantic abusive relationships but those who have dysfunctional mothers often find themselves also walking on eggshells because of their mother's highly unpredictable behavior.

There are many more tactics used by dysfunctional mothers all used for the sole purpose of gaining the upper hand in an invisible power struggle between she and her daughter.  If you find yourself involved in this type of messy relationship I urge you to find the strength to distance yourself from the chaos and negativity.  The guilt you feel is not authentic. It comes from an outward source, your mother's behavior and should not be confused with having committed any wrongdoing.  When other family members become entangled in her web it will be even more difficult to pry free from the constant barrage of insults against your character, but freedom is what you deserve!

My counselor often tells me that she has treated children who were severely abused by their mother, but when given a choice between going to a foster home or going back with their mother they always will choose the mother, despite the poor treatment they have received.  Are we any different as adults?  The bond between a mother and child is so strong it is rarely severed.  It is against all that is normal to detach the emotional umbilical cord to your mother but cut it you must if your sanity and well being is at stake.

  
If your mother is only mildly dysfunctional and you feel you can maintain your sense of self and still have a relationship with her than keeping the lines of communication open is possible.  However, if the level of dysfunction has turned into toxicity than you owe it to yourself to pry free from the abuse.  I have been completely estranged from my mother for two years.  It has gotten easier but it still hurts on occasion.  There are times I feel very alone without her but I have decided that I would rather be alone than allow myself to be treated poorly by her anymore.  I hope for your sake you will make a choice that is best for you.

Choosing Sides

One thing I have learned in this journey is that despite assurances they do not choose sides, most people do.  It is incredibly difficult for a person to remain neutral in the midst of family dysfunction.  In life it is natural for people to choose an allegiance.  Are you Democrat or Republican?  Do you prefer chocolate cake or vanilla?  We all have things we agree with, and things we do not really like.  In relationships, things are no different.  Rest assured that if you have had a difficult relationship with your mother, and your family knows about it, they have already tried you and came up with their verdict.  So in your family are you the victim or the problem?

For years my sister promised me she was neutral.  Assured over and over again that she would not pick a side in this ongoing battle between my mother and I, I found myself many times hesitantly revelaing things about my personal life to her.  She was my sister, and sister's are supposed to be best friends, right?  When I had family problems she was usually the first to know, or at least the one to know the most intimate details.  She and my mother were always closer than my mother and I, but I was only slightly worried my sister would go back and repeat what I would tell her.  Time and time again I would find that my mother would have knowledge of things going on in my life I had not told her and deep down inside I knew my sister was going back and telling, yet I think I was so desperate to have a family that I overlooked it time and time again.

In my extended family I have always been the villain.  Running away and putting my mother through hell as a teenager got me labeled a problem child.  My rebellious nature sticks in their minds and they cannot seem to get past that.  It is hard for them to believe that I am not the issue or trouble maker.  Choosing to stay to myself has not helped my cause.  Because of all the friction between my mother and myself I normally choose to stay away from family functions.  There have been times of peace between my mother and I and during those times I would show up but by and large I am a mystery to my extended family.  What they know of me and who I am comes largely from my mother has told them.

A recent death in the family brought us all together as a family.  During that trying time  I got a very clear view of who was on my side and who had been sucked into her lies and deceit.  I was very surprised to learn that aunts whom I thought did not like me were actually the ones who ran to my side, and those who I thought I was cool with totally flipped on me.  It was a very difficult lesson to learn.  In hindsight, which is always twenty-twenty, I wish I had showed up more instead of cowering in a corner afraid to be seen or heard and afraid of judgement.  I wish I would have stood up for myself and let them get to know me for themselves instead of leaving it up to my mother to paint a picture of who I am.

Remember that you cannot convince anyone to like you, including your mother.  All you can really do is continue to live your life the best way you know how and try to be an example of love and grace.  Don't get angry at the people in your life who have chosen to side with your mother.  Instead, continue to love them as you remember that your mother is very likely manipulation and controlling them the same way she tried to do with you.  Although my mother has repeatedly treated my sister poorly, my sister has unfortunately decided to give her total allegiance to my mother.  Understand that some people are more easily controlled than others and be thankful you are not one of them, or that you are learning to not be one of them.

Please feel free to join my Facebook group, "Hated Child".  It is a closed group but I would love to have more hated daughters there so we can continue this dialogue.

Never Good Enough

One tactic used by mothers to exert control over their daughters is a mental manipulation game used to keep daughter on her toes.  It is a game where daughter is never right.  Mother creates a standard and daughter tries her best to reach it.  Once daughter (finally) feels she has reached that standard mother raises the bar even higher.  Thus, daughter can never successfully meet her mothers expectations which leaves her feeling frustrated.

Here is what a dialogue might sound like between a mother and daughter who are in a dysfunctional pattern:

Mom:  "So Sue, what are you doing with your life these days?"

Sue:  "Well, I'm still working part time at the Law firm.  I should be getting promoted soon."

Mom: (grunts and rolls her eyes)

Sue: "Amy just went on maternity leave.  I'm pretty sure they are eyeing me for her position because she will likely return to part time."

Mom:  "That's nice, but what about the Law Firm I told you about last week?  Those people there seem real nice.  They handled dad's case a few years ago."

Sue:  "Yes, but I like where I work it's close to home and everyone there are real nice."

Mom:  "Sue, you have to get serious about life, you really should apply at that law firm we spoke about.  You can't stay part time forever."

Sue:  "But mom, do you remember the last law firm I worked for offered me the full time job, you thought it would be too much for me.  You thought I should decline the position and focus on going back to school."

Mom:  "Well, whatever happened to school anyway?" (Notice that when the mother is put on the spot or challenged she changes the conversation to take the focus off of her or avoid answering the question.  Because she does not have a sufficient answer for her daughter's question she will switch to talking about school where she may gain the upper hand in the conversation).

Sue:  "After we talked about how it wasn't such a good school I decided to take some time off and look into other schools."

Mom:  " I never told you to quit."

Sue: "I know mom, but you acted like you hated the school.  You kept telling me I could do better."

Mom:  "I think you should have stayed where you were, and finished college.  You could have worked part time."

Sue: (Exasperated) "But mom!  You just said I should try to get a full time job."

What is happening in the above dialogue?  To someone who doesn't know better it seems like nothing more than a mother who is slightly annoying and can't make up her mind, but in reality we are seeing a mother who is a) offering unsolicited advice, b) questioning her daughter's ability to make an intelligent decision for her own life c) creating in her daughter a feeling of confusion.  

That is just the beginning.  When this type of confusing advice or direction is constantly offered to a daughter, who then follows the advice only to be  met with her mother's disaproval, it creates a daughter who is always uneasy and unsure of what is really expected of her.  Furthermore, this type of behavior causes a daughter to question herself when making important decisions.

Does this sound like something your mother does?  Join the group on facebook.  I haven't posted much because it is a new group with no members but I would like to continue the dialogue there.

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